VULTURES

I feel you

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 05:42:18 -0500

sometimes I wonder if you’re still alive, and if that hand on my shoulder at 3am is you. I hope that you’re not suffering anymore; that you have moved towards life without pain. I think back to the days where all I caused you was pain, refusing to come home and spending my time in the arms of someone else. The truth is you gave me a chance to save a life but I turned you down. So sometimes I wonder if you’re still alive; and how you’d feel if I payed my respects…

and all i feel about you is shame

Fri, 11 Jan 2013 17:32:35 -0500

and all i feel about you is shame

Of Course You Bring Girls Home at 4 am.

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 05:44:34 -0500

there are reasons for everything.
reasons why i cant trust even the greatest of people,
why I know tonight won’t go the way it should.
There are reasons I feel insecure,
despite all your hugs and kisses and love.
if I see something that’s longing,
it makes me worried that you’ll see something
better than me
in her eyes.

Photo

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 15:43:31 -0400

Sick, like throwing you away

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 01:32:18 -0400

Im not sure where to go from here.
We played at happy family, and sometimes i miss looking at dresses and pretty things. But i felt suffocated by it all. The enormity and finality of the situation. As beautiful as i would be i never believed in forever.

Photo

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 17:34:47 -0400

You

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 02:54:22 -0400

After all, i thought youd be my wonderwall, so now explaining to those around me how i could have been so miserable. They say they understand and suddenly the ugly rumours are true; ive left you. I ised to hate the silence in the air but now another living thing keeps me company and i know im needed somewhere. You’ll go on and on about how its not fair, and ill go on snd on about how life isnt fair but in the end the truth is, i never loved you enough.

Benjamin;

Tue, 15 May 2012 03:53:47 -0400

&& my heart beats faster for you every second that we waste;
My mother spends her time worrying and watching her weight. I live for the days where I have someone beside me, lost in our own little world because no one really understands me here. I never want to be forgotten and our love will be remembered within as the one thing I did right all these years. The neurons in my body race to tell my brain that I’m panicking, blood coursing through my heart to tell it to pick up the pace. You put your hands on my neck and pull my head down to your chest, forcing me to focus on something other than my overwhelming sense of doom.
I need you…

it was 3 years & you know it.

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 18:26:58 -0400

it’s amazing that you would point out we’ve been apart almost longer than we dated. It amazes me that I didn’t have to. I think a part of you is letting this go easier than all of me. I compare everyone to you and your heartbeat that made me feel so safe. We had our problems, but who didn’t? I recall walking the path to the c-train station, the flowers in bloom in June. I remember seeing house after house and imagining our lives inside them. The children playing, us comfortable and happy.
Happy.

how Dare you.

Sun, 08 Apr 2012 22:05:54 -0400

look at the mess you left. I don’t know if you know this, but it’s been a year.
one year almost to the day that you walked away.
& now look where I am; trying yet again to find myself.

ReReReALity.

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 16:48:03 -0400

i never realized letting go of someone was so hard, because I’ve never wanted to let go like this before. feeling the emptiness i did is too much for one over romanticized brain to handle.
we had movie moments, in which i was sure he was the rest of my happiness, but then dark clouds rolled over our sunny skies and reality poured down on us.

Everyday I wanna climb to a new high

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 10:27:43 -0400

“cut the corners if you’d like to.”
the Limpness In my personality waits for no one and changes with every changing tide. No wonder I’m so angry all the time, you’ve taken all my experiences & made the arguments invalid, causing pain in my chest to radiate towards the only other source. You have this way with everything & it makes me want to be something better, but not because you bullied me into it, because I don’t want to see disappointment written all over everyones face.

How Am I Supposed to Feel?

Sat, 10 Mar 2012 06:53:00 -0500

this kind of situation makes me want to peel the skin off my face,
surrounded by all the people who care to see,
this uncertain balance between what we want & what you need.
I know the disappointment on my face showed through,
but i took your word for it when you said,
” I’m a long term or no term kinda guy ”
I appeared prepared for everything but this,
and my kick-start antic was flight, not fight,
So i’ll wrap my head around reason,
Maybe I’ll keep praying to this God that I
can’t seem to believe in.

Turning Tables

Thu, 08 Mar 2012 05:24:00 -0500

I’m still awake sitting in your head-space all alone I read volume after volume of ~~lost~~ pages.

i'd like to...

Sat, 03 Mar 2012 16:17:38 -0500

..wrap my hands around everything personal of yours,
describing what i’ve lost as i undress the duress of my past lives.
for it seems i’ve lived a thousand over.
in reality we are strangers and i have only failed myself once again,
giving into the loneliness that cuts so fine,
a paper cut under my tongue.
i asked you to never make me feel inadequate,
but it still happens and i feel as though perhaps i do it to myself.

Feb.29

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 05:43:20 -0500

i think i can fore-date this, because i live in such a state
that time doesn’t seem to exist the same way anymore.
3 am is the new midnight after working all night.
who knows how long i can do this,
but i guess we shall see.
you on the other hand, have left bruises in places
of wonderful content,
hovering above my keys alone in this room i already wonder about
how terrified i feel that you can see into my soul.

P.S.

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 04:03:22 -0500

thats not the first time that quote has shown up on my dash after my voice has reverberated around a bar full of people i take to not be listening to me.

What are You Thinking?

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 03:40:00 -0500

its quiet for the first time in a while,
as the voices grow louder around me,
the words in italics
actually fall from someone’s lips
& they aren’t just assumptions of
a conceited lonely girl.

that’s right, i forgot you only like to talk to me when you can hide your secrets from...

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 14:42:08 -0500

that’s right, i forgot you only like to talk to me when you can hide your secrets from her…

RANT

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 04:06:00 -0500

Excuse me for spamming all of your Dash’s with the Bah humbug Rant of the Valentines Holiday. Last year I went ALL OUT for my ex-fiance. (see VULTURES); we were pretty short on cash, so I spent the whole day cookingg and cleaning our apartment. (the WHOLE apartment-kitchen,bedroom,bathroom) I also spent some time cutting out paper hearts which i put on the walls. I even made some with arrows, so it was like a treasure hunt. I lit candles and was super cheesy. but he definately didn’t notice. thats when i knew somethingg was up.
so this year. I am havingg a joke Valentine, & i shall spend the day indulging in sappy chick flicks so i don’t feel bad crying over unworn Engagement Rings.